It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
