Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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