I feel great
I just peed on a car
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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