You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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