Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
