1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
