I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just gift wrapped bread.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
