Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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