I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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