I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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