just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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