I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
this hospital has no fireball
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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