I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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