Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
