last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
why do cheetos always look like penises
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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