I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
