who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
