Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
please come you make the beer taste better
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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