Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
