I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
