I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
this must be what syphilis tastes like
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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