3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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