So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize