I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
