Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
