true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Randomize