he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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