I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
