How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize