Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
