just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
They are going to name an STD after you.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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