Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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