i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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