I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
