I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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