i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
