Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
