I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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