Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
