I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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