Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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