Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
