remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
