That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
