Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
