I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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