the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize