i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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