Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
