i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
