Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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