don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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