he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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