evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
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