She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
