I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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