the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
