I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
