while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
