I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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