Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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