The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
