oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
