you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
