In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
