May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You should frame my arrest warrant.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
